By Lawrence FunderburkeJanuary 27, 202524 Minutes

In the final installment of this three-part series, we’ll examine why our young men lack discipline, how this affects them in the area of accountability, and what we can do to improve their resiliency skills.

Robert Montgomery Knight, formerly known as “The General.” He was a legend in every sense of the word. Coach Knight, notably of Indiana University fame, amassed 902 wins, 11 Big Ten Titles, and 3 NCAA Championships. He coached the U.S. men’s basketball team, led by Michael Jordan, to a gold medal in the 1984 Olympics. Off the court his players graduated at incredibly high rates, with many of them landing promising jobs outside the world of sports. Coach Knight had a squeaky clean reputation with the NCAA; his program was never implicated in any rule violations or impropriety investigations, although no institution is above reproach. What most fans and critics of The General don’t know is that his base salary, which he insisted be the case, was comparable to other tenured university professors at Indiana and Texas Tech (where he landed after being fired from IU). In terms of his on-the-court pedigree, any seasoned basketball historian could reasonably conclude that Bob Knight was the greatest mind ever to coach on the NCAA level — in any sport. Here’s how our paths crossed.

As one of the top five high school prospects in the 1989 class, I was recruited by every top-tier college basketball coach back then. Dean Smith of North Carolina. Mike Krzyzewski of Duke. Jim Boeheim of Syracuse. Jerry Tarkanian of UNLV. And of course, Bob Knight of Indiana. The first time I met Coach Knight was at my high school, Wehrle, in early October of 1988. I learned, some years later, that he gave specific instructions to school administrators on the room setup where our meeting occurred. He had them place the chair that I sat in with its back to the door, so that I couldn’t see Coach Knight when he entered. Lights off. He enters the room and turns the lights on, pausing a few seconds before making his move. My heart was pounding while looking straight ahead; I even got a bit lightheaded. He walks around me, like a giant condor assessing its prey, and says, “I heard you were a monumental pain in the @$$. That’s alright — the same has been said about me.” Then he follows up with the icebreaker, “We’re going to get along just great as intellectual minds.” This was my first test of Coach Knight’s head games. My self-reported grade? B+. The season before, my junior year, was spectacular. I averaged 29 points, 15 rebounds, 6 blocks, and 6 dunks per game. We won the state championship that season and were ranked in USA Today’s top 25 high school basketball teams. My senior year was tenuous at best, a disaster at worst. I was dismissed from the team for cussing out the head coach, Chuck Kemper; I played only six games. So, how did I respond after being kicked off the team? With my basketball future in jeopardy, or so I thought, I made an irrational decision. “Whichever coach calls me first, Dean Smith or Bobby Knight, that’s where I’m going to college.” Coach Knight called me three days later. I spoke first. “I’m coming to IU.” Fatherless children with trauma wounds are often more prone to careless words and flighty behaviors.

“If I came in to recruit your son, I would tell you, your wife, and your son that I will be the most demanding coach your son can play for.”

— Coach Bob Knight

Coach Knight was the consummate disciplinarian; it was his way or the highway. Word of my college decision spread fast. In newspapers across the country, I was quoted as saying that “I needed discipline.” Even my mother warned me that I was making a huge mistake: “Son, think about what you’re doing. I don’t believe Coach Knight is a good fit for you. He’s stubborn, and so are you.” I didn’t take heed to her wise council; it was about proving everyone wrong, including my mom. I lasted only six games at IU. I hit the highway — literally. I had just scored 26 points, my freshman breakout game, against Long Beach State. Several days later he kicks me out of practice on December 14th (just one day before my 19th birthday) for lackluster play and instructs one of his assistants, Joby Wright, “Tell Lawrence to go home. I want to enjoy the last 30 minutes of practice without him f…… it up!” Yeah, those words still sting, more than three decades later. In retrospect, what I — like many broken boys and maligned men today — really needed, and cried out for, was a daddy. (Truth be told, Dean Smith would have likely been a better fit for me right out of high school given his easygoing but firm demeanor. In the end though, it worked out for me after transferring to Ohio State. Coach Randy Ayers, a black man, father figure, and life-application teacher, was the proverbial “player’s coach.” This benefitted me greatly in my early 20s.)

The General was the only coach that I ever played for who wanted to win more than the players. Coach Knight’s intensity was off the charts; it often matched or even surpassed his explosive temper. What was his modus operandi of development? Build a player up, break him down. One mental head game at a time. 

We use the terms father and dad interchangeably in our society. Big mistake. The title father is given at birth, but dad credentials are earned throughout life. Remember my discussion of oxytocin in the second installment of this series? Well, mothers play a pivotal role in fine-tuning a child’s oxytocin system — the bonding, trusting, and loving apparatus — through breastfeeding and nurturing touch points. And if this system is not properly developed by the age of two or three, then it sets a child up for a greater likelihood of addiction down the road (reference #1 and #2). Renowned drug-addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Mate’, substantiates this claim; I’m merely connecting the dots. What about dads or paternal representatives? I postulate that they are primarily responsible for shaping and sharpening a child’s endorphin system, which among other oversight duties, deals with drive, determination, and discipline due to its pain-pleasure dynamic. This might explain why so many vulnerable boys struggle with resiliency, a form of discipline, inside and outside the classroom (thus the urgent need for more male teachers in public and charter schools). At-risk youth get the pain of a challenging goal but don’t stick around long enough for the pleasure that it eventually brings. Go through the pain to get acclimated with the pleasure is the formula; most young people would rather have these in reverse order. Check this out: an opioid addiction leads to or exacerbates an endorphin deficiency — or what we lack internally, we crave externally. Doesn’t matter if it’s a drug, drink, or drive; the body doesn’t differentiate, it only responds. Think about this for a moment. Has the opioid epidemic mirrored and masked the fatherlessness crisis? Quite likely. In effect, moms and dads serve as biochemical bookends in the life of a child. The repercussions are detrimental, for children and society, when caregivers abdicate or walk away from their parenting obligations. (More on the difference between a father and dad a bit later.)

Reference #1 and #2

Sarah J. Baracz, Nicholas A. Everett, and Jennifer L. Cornish. The impact of early life stress on the central oxytocin system and susceptibility for drug addiction: Applicability of oxytocin as a pharmacotherapy. NIH: National Library of Medicine. March 2020.

Tatsushi Osaka and Yukon Takayanai. The oxytocin system and early‐life experience‐dependent plastic changes. NIH: National Library of Medicine. October 29, 2021.

The essence of a man lies not just in the substance of who he is and how he’s wired, but more importantly, what need he sees and fulfills to the best of his ability for the greater good of others.

Far too many of our males today lack vision, fall short in the area of confidence, and often give up when facing adversity. It’s hard for them to see success when they’re not sure it’s even possible, so they miss the mark in holding themselves accountable for the growth gains that need to take place in their lives. And without drive, determination, and discipline, they’ll lack the stamina and strength to start, let alone finish, a difficult and draining task. What’s needed to whip them into accountability shape? A trainer. The Good Book refers to fathers (really dads) or paternal representatives as trainers, and training involves coaching, conditioning, and convincing to achieve a desired outcome (Ephesians 6:4). Throw in cheerleading to this mix as well. Let me introduce you to a man who fits this description of a trainer to a tee, Julio Cesar Almanza (aka Wrong to Strong on Youtube). Accompanied by my son Eli, I met Wrong to Strong at a Christian summer camp for vulnerable youth. The kids, all males from inner-city and Appalachian backgrounds between the ages of 9 to 17, were so enamored with his story and strength. A former Mexican cartel gangbanger, he’s seen the dark side up close and personal — stabbings, shootings, and killings. He’s far removed from that world as a man of faith today. But in his past life, he would knock your teeth out and hand them back to you in granulated pieces if the situation warranted it. After Wrong to Strong’s inspirational speech, the boys bum-rushed him. What a sight to behold! They couldn’t stop touching his bulging biceps and massive forearms. The scene was symbolic of what males on the fringes of society desperately need in their lives — real men with purpose who embrace masculinity while walking away from their toxicity. And it takes a whole lot of strength, exercised discipline, to pull this off in the weight room called Life.

In basketball, and life, the follow through is critical. An offensive player can be off balance, not squared up to the rim, and have his elbow sticking out prior to shooting the basketball, but he still has a chance, however small, of making the shot. That is, if he holds his follow through until that ball swishes the net. Garth Adams Sr. (aka G-Money) is a barber, entrepreneur, and former high school and college basketball player. Like he played on the court back then is how he operates his life today. He hustles from one business appointment to the next. He does the little things financially that produce hard-earned dollars. Adams doesn’t care who gets the headline attention when assisting young people; he’s content being a behind-the-scenes role player. And he’s one of only a handful of men that I can call, on a moment’s notice, to be there when I need them for a last minute, life skills presentation for troubled youth. Adams has a disdain for those who look for (so they can leverage) photo opportunities with at-risk communities, especially at the beginning of each school year. He noted, “Giving kids a book bag isn’t the same thing, as you like to say, as providing them with a bookend.” He added, “Who’s following up with these kids throughout the year? They need reliable people who will invest in their development from start to finish.” That’s how you make a lasting difference in the lives and legacies of marginalized populations.

I shared an aha download some time ago with Aaron, one of my mentees. I asked him, “You were named after a Hebrew priest in the Bible, correct?” He responded, “That’s right Mr. Fundy — I was.” Given my inquisitive nature, he braced himself for my barrage of follow-up questions. “Let me ask you, What was the primary function of a priest in biblical times?” He paused, then answered in an unsure tone, “To make sacrifices?” I replied enthusiastically, “Yes, to make sacrifices! Now what kind of sacrifices are you making today that can pay dividends for your success down the road?” I continued, “Even if you don’t have a job, you still need a schedule.” This young man, unemployed at the time, admitted that he was spending five to six (and likely more) hours a day playing video games or surfing the internet. That’s 35 to 42 hours of time in a week that could have been better spent on his personal development. The good news? Aaron did turn things around. He took my advice and started planning his daily schedule. One day, then two and three days, before reaching a week of scheduled activities, the vast majority of them being earmarked for personal growth. Small investments over time can produce huge payoffs through compound interest. In reality, Aaron was recalibrating his circadian and circaseptan rhythms. The body needs a purposeful existence each day, and over the course of a scheduled week, to function properly. (The suprachiasmatic nucleus or SCN for short, utilizing 20,000 neurons, regulates the body’s circadian and circaseptan rhythms. It is housed in the hypothalamus, the body’s homeostasis regulator.)

The body is the greatest accounting system in the world. It is constantly keeping track of every biochemical inflow and outflow. And without relational equity, the account is in danger of being overdrawn due to insufficient funds. Not good.

In closing, I would be remiss if I didn’t highlight why a daughter needs a dad or paternal representative of high moral standing in her life, too. That book, Why a Daughter Needs a Dad, helped me understand the importance of my role and responsibility in her life as a newbie caregiver. Back when my daughter Nyah was a small child, I read this book to her every night, no matter how I felt. It was about her mood, really circadian rhythm (that included this bonding routine as a mainstay of her life clock), not mine. And life clocks also serve as alarm bells for missed appointments when a child, now an adult, reflects on his or her biochemical bank account of insufficient funds with a paternal representative. Unfortunately on the bad side or fortunately on the good side, that void or deficit will be filled by someone or something. Before turning off the lights and exiting her room, I’d kiss my daughter on the forehead and whisper in her ear, “Daddy loves you Ny Ny.” Parental or caregiver titles, more specifically, the obligations and expectations that come with them, matter a great deal when a child’s current and future wellbeing are on the line. And yes, there’s a big distinction between father and dad. The former is a biological term dealing with a chromosomal transfer, while the latter is a biochemical tune that keeps a running balance of credits and debits with precise details, where the dad (or paternal representative) and the child build up relational equity. In their time of need, either party can draw from this account to strengthen or deepen that bond of support to move forward in life.

My daughter Nyah will text me out of the blue to say, “Look Daddy, I’m representing.” In just about every instance, she’s wearing an item of my clothing.

Stay with me now as I wrap up — for good. If you’re a dad or paternal representative, here’s a subtle but enlightening connection clue for you to consider. Does (or did) your daughter wear any of your clothes, coats, or caps? While wearing them now or back in the day as a teen, this sign, if you pay close attention, communicates one of two powerful messages: Your daughter appreciates, or was grateful for, your covering as a protector, provider, or propellor. Or, she is (or was) in need of your coverage as a promise keeper, problem solver, or project manager. The PRO stands for paternal representative obligation. I hope this PRO acronym sticks in your mind — forever. This is what a father’s blessing (momentum booster), or cursing (moment buster), can produce. I’ve had women of all ages tell me, in so many words, with an angry or disgusting look on their face, “I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing any of my father’s clothing.” They added, “I didn’t like that man at all!” A few women even remarked, “I hated his guts!” This is the wrath spoken of by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 6:4 that fathers, not dads, can unwittingly cause (Read also Malachi 4:5-6 and Colossians 3:21). Caregiver roles and responsibilities are way deeper than what anyone can imagine, including me, and I study this stuff hours each day. Why? Because whether we’re talking about a misguided male or fractured female (or however someone wishes to be identified), the biochemical is just as important as the biological. Feelings do matter — a lot. I pray this three-part series, with a recap and podcast soon to follow, has blessed you. It’s truly been my honor.

With love, Papa Fundy.

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